Hello, my name is Jacob Sawyer, and I have a story to tell you. This story is a love story. A story for the ages. This story is full of truth, honesty, tears, pain, joy, more pain, and unconditional love. This is my story and how Jesus came to my rescue at just the right time. Jesus saved this ultimate athlete-warrior from myself and the devil’s grip. He saved me from satan, from evil, and from being separated form God forever. You see, Jesus is GOD and GOD is our true father and creator. I believe once we come to the end of ourselves, we either choose life with Jesus forever in eternity, or we choose that things of this fallen world and stay separated from GOD forever, which would be terrible.
This is my story and how GOD can take a broken man full of sin and whom could possibly be the worst of all sinners and change him for good. Jesus changed ME for good. Jesus took my hate-filled heart, ripped it out, and replaced it with a heart of flesh just as His promises say He will do. He took the hate-filled heart I had and replaced it with love, compassion, empathy, patience, kindness, gentleness, and more love. A true miracle.
Most of my life, I believed “if it was meant to be, it was up to me.” This meant to me that I was in complete control of all the things in my life. Which is a lie, and not true at all. I thought I had life figured out. I thought if I worked hard enough I could buy, take, or be given things I wanted in life. For some time, this was exactly the case and exactly what I did. However, I was masking the truth, I was masking my pain, anger, rage, insecurities, hate, self-hate, homicidal and suicidal tendencies. My numbing consisted of masking my true self with pills, parties, powder, pleasures, and the gym. I numbed myself while the VA numbed me with over 26 different medications at one time.
I as a ticking time bomb and a HOT MESS, but nobody knew it. I was a great liar and a great faker. I hid it well until I couldn’t hide it anymore. My life became unbearable, unsustainable, and unmanageable. I was empty inside. I couldn’t feel emotions, pain, or true joy. I only wanted to “feel good”, and I used everything of this world I could find to try and fill that GOD- sized hole I had.
After hitting my rock bottom, and losing everything I had worked so hard to achieve, I began searching for help.
My rock bottom was incredibly devastating, incredibly painful, lonely, humiliating, and humbling. The Bible says, “God opposes the proud but He gives grace to the humble.” God had been working on me for some time because I was full of pride, and I found out that God HATES pride. He had to humble me so I could learn to humble myself.
In my searching for help, hope, love, health and joy, I had participated in three programs for PTSD and traumatic brain injuries (TBI). The first of which was with the Wounded Warrior Project called Operation Mend. This was a 30 day lock down program at UCLA in Los Angeles, CA. This was a horrible and abusive program full of lies and deception. At this time in my life, I was unable to care for myself. The VA had taken my driver’s license because of seizures I was having randomly. They also appointed me a caretaker because I was no longer thriving to live or take care of myself. I had stopped eating and taking my medications on time or regularly, and with no license I could not get to my many VA appointments. The VA also appointed me a fiduciary to manage my disability monthly payments from the government. So, I couldn’t drive, care for myself, or make good decisions and the Wounded Warrior Project promised me, my dad, and my caretaker I would be safe at Operation Mend. They would take responsibility of me for the 30 day program. Well, in just three short days into the program, a female employee snuck me out or the dorms and took me drinking, drugging, and sexing in Santa Monica, helping me numb and feel good.
That completely destroyed my healing and changed the trajectory of my life. After completing the program, I was going to hang myself. My plan was, “I am hanging my self as soon as I get back to my Las Vegas apartment. “. However, my dog Ace kept me from following through. He needed me to feed him, walk him, and I needed him to stay alive to do so. He was my best friend and I couldn’t let him down. I couldn’t abandon him like that.
The second program I attended was named, “Save A Warrior,” in Ohio. This program was a seven day program to help treat veterans and first responders with PTSD.
It was more like a confidence building course. We actually did confidence courses and learned to ”lean” on or “trust” another man in the program. We were also introduced to a 12 step program called ACA, which is an acronym for (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families). This 12 step program is supposed to help with childhood trauma. However, upon graduation of the program I instantly felt the weight of the world and heaviness come back. Yes, the program helped me feel good for a few days, while I was there, but that feeling quickly left as soon as I was packing to go back home. I found NO role models there and the program was a complete waste of time and resources. The problem with this program is it kept me focused in the past and what happened to me. However, Jesus says,”keep your eyes fixed in what lies ahead.” He also says, to “forgive all who have trespassed against us” and if we are looking back we cannot see what’s coming up ahead and we cannot forgive. So this program made my life more difficult and added more things for me to do daily. There was ZERO healing for me at “Save A Warrior”, and I scored a 10 on the childhood trauma scale, so I was in need of some true healing while learning how to forgive others. I did not learn anything helpful while at the SAW program.
The best thing that did happen to me on that trip happened at the bar in the Ohio airport. While sitting on the bar stool, with a look of hopelessness and despair, the bar tender asked me what I needed? And my response was…. “I don’t know anymore,” and I put my head back down on the bar. At that moment she stopped everything she was doing, ie making drinks, taking orders, cleaning the bar and dealing with many other patrons at this full bar at 1pm in the afternoon. So at this moment she put her hands over my hands and looked me in my eyes and said, “Baby, you NEED Jesus, this is the only thing you need.” With tears, I asked her, “How do I get Jesus? And her immediate response was, “Baby, I will help you,” and with that she threw down her bar cloth, stopped everything she was doing and walked around the bar to come to my bar stool. As I watched this tall, beautiful, black women risk her job to help me, I was blown away. She came over to help me and walk me through the sinner’s prayer. I became emotional, so emotional, and overwhelmed. I became open to the truth. I was at my wits end and hopeless. I had tried everything else up to this point and and I was at my end. This was going to be my last ditch effort. I felt it was time to try the one thing I’ve been running from my whole life. I literally hated GOD and Jesus at the time. So as she took my hands and told me to repeat after her, I felt her sincerity, love and compassion towards me. I believe she could see I was empty and hopeless.
No one had ever mentioned Him before. I had been searching for help and healing for years now. I’d gone from doctor to doctor and VA to VA and not one person suggested that I turn to him. So I knew it was time, and I took that bartender’s words and actions as a sign from GOD. I was finally ready for a change. Little did I know the magnitude of what that bartender in the Ohio airport helped me do that day. She helped me change my life for the good. I was so ready for a change that I repeated the sinner’s prayer 3 more times on the flight home. I prayed that GOD welcome me home to him with open arms. I prayed for miracles of healing and to have love in my life. However, to be honest I didn’t feel anything right off. Actually I was positive GOD would ignore me and possibly bring the plane down in some horrific crash. However, that is not what happened. As soon as I walked off the plane, my now wife, Erica was patiently waiting for me at the airport with a sign that said…. “Welcome Home!” That sign blew my lid! I had just prayed for GOD to show me a sign that I’ll be welcomed home and within a few short hours, that is exactly what happened. The next day I felt something was very different. I took a shower and shaved for the first time in weeks maybe even months. At about 9 am the next morning, Erica and I where sitting in my couch and the Holy Spirit rushed into my apartment and filled me with energy, joyful feelings, visions, excitement, laughter, while he took my heart of stone and replaced with a heart of flesh. I even yelled to Erica that “ my heart was being ripped out and a new one was being put in.” Something wonderful was happening and I could explain it. It was Jesus. He was moving in and taking over, pushing out the darkness and making room for himself. His anointing was overwhelming, and if Erica was not there to witness this miracle happening then no one would have believed me. The next thing I knew, I was floating. I was being lifted up by the Holy Spirit and given many visions as he was instantly healing my broken heart. You see, at the time, I was being treated for heart failure, kidney failure, and on many drugs for my heart failure issues, bi polar meds, and many many others health issues. So at the same time, Jesus was healing my spiritually broken heart as well as my physically broken heart. However, Jesus didn’t stop there, and he is still healing me today. The Lord’s purification process takes time because it is a process. The Lord cannot dwell in a temple that is unclean. His process of cleaning his house or my temple (my body) is to get rid of ALL unfruitful things and darkness in our lives.
About a month went by and Erica asked me to move in with her back in Arizona and help her on her ranch. I gladly accepted the offer and we moved me and my things back to AZ. The thing I love about Erica is that she never pushed Jesus on me at all. As a matter of fact, she never talked about GOD or Jesus. However, she did demonstrate His love to me over and over again. She showed me Jesus’s unconditional love instead of telling me what I needed to do to change my life. She was sacrificing her whole being for me. Her safety and security was compromised. She stopped her daily routines at her ranch and came to help me get healthy again.
I had nothing to give back, but she didn’t care. She kept cooking me food, making sure I slept, took me to appointments, and allowed this broken person to move onto her property. I see Jesus in her everyday. Erica’s love and faithfulness for Jesus is what opened my eyes. I had never felt those feelings before or experienced true love before. I didn’t feel worth loving. I had lost everything I had worked so hard for. I lost my business, my body, my houses, cars, employees, family, friends, and my mind. Even so, Erica kept showing me how to love even when I felt not worthy of it. So I had to marry her! How she wasn’t marred and taken was beyond my comprehension. I found a hidden treasure in her and I was never going to let her go.
I believe that Jesus sent her to save me from myself. To me this was a real Beauty and the Beast story. I was the beast that was slain with love, kindness, compassion, peace, boundaries and truth. I am eternally grateful that Jesus sent her to love me. Her faithfulness in him saved my life. Erica’s faith has helped me develop an amazing and intimate relationship with the Lord today.
What I didn’t realize at the beginning of my walk with the Lord was how critical reading the Bible out loud was. Nine months after getting married my mind broke. It broke because I wasn’t reading my Bible. I was only reading “The Daily Bread’s devotionals and watching T.D. Jake’s, Furtik or who ever seemed motivational at the time. However, just like in Mathew 12:43 it states whoever does not fill up on GOD’s word will be tormented by the demon that returns with his seven friends, and now the person is much worse then before. I had no scripture memorized, so my house was empty, and there was room for the demons to come back. So once more I started seeing the 12 demons that Jesus had cast out of my life when I accepted him. However, they all returned and brought 7 terrible friends each to torture me and my family so I was worse off than before I accepted Christ.
I was too proud to tell anyone what I was seeing and once more I was being attacked by them. However, I kept it quiet and suffered in silence. The darkness grew so strong they were destroying things in our home, flipping flags upside down, and torturing me. I became increasingly violent and dangerous but worse than before. It got to the point that I was going to kill my wife, myself, the police and I had a plan. Praise be to GOD. He had told Erica that I was going to kill her and she needed to leave me immediately to get safe. Thank GOD she heeded the warnings because so many women today do not and they pay the horrific consequences while enduring all types of abuse at the same time.
Thank GOD she left me, it kept her alive. Things got so dark for me that I called 911 on myself, and I was quickly locked away in a VA mental illness ward, while being heavily medicated once more. Within the 45 days I was locked away, I was served with a protective order. I thank the courts and thank you Jesus for protecting my wife when I could not. I was the problem, not Erica.
After being released from the Psychiatric Ward, I ended up in a half way house, and the realty of what happened finally hit me. I messed up again, and I needed a miracle. Again, I had nothing and no where to go. So for the first time, I feel to my knees and begged for Jesus to help me. With tears, and a broken heart, I cried out to GOD. Within 30 minutes I got a phone call from the PTSD Foundation of America. They said they had heard about me and that they have a place for me that is faith-based called “Camp Hope” in Houston Texas. I took that as a sign from GOD and I jumped on the next plane for Camp Hope in Houston, TX for some healing.
It was my understanding that Camp Hope would help me put my life back to gather on the foundation of Jesus. Camp Hope led me to believe that they would help me deal with my PTSD, brain injuries, and my destructive behaviors. However, after 15 months at Camp Hope, I was divorcing my wife, blaming her for everything, back to sinning, and taking from her as much as I could. Jesus says, “Bad company corrupts good morals.” I was also invited to move to Houston to work at Camp Hope from the program. The problem was I was without my family, homeless, no car, no direction and starting over again only to rely on Camp Hope, NA and AA, while kicking Jesus out of my life. So, this faith-based program ripped my life to pieces and destroyed what GOD had put together. The devil steals, kills and destroys. I don’t believe Jesus would coach men to destroy something he put together himself. Jesus wouldn’t take himself out from a faith-based program either. To be honest, we never learned about Jesus at Camp Hope. Not even a little. It says in the Bible that you can tell if a tree is good or bad from its fruit. Well the fruit from being brain washed at Camp Hope was destruction. Unfortunately, many other men and families have suffered because of Camp Hope. Actually the best thing Camp Hope did for me was to kick me out to be homeless and back out in the street. When they did kick me out back with no hope, Jesus found me again and saved me from myself and the evil one. But not after I committed sins against GOD and cheated on my wife. It wasn’t 1 day of being kicked out of Camp Hope, I was all ready, looking for something to make me feel better. Something to numb my self-inflicted pains. My go to in all situations was sex, drugs and rock n roll baby! So within 24 hours of being out on the street I was drinking, drugging and looking for sex. Instead of being on my way back home to my wife to live a responsible disciplined life filled with love and hope following the Lord.
After a month homeless in Houston, Jesus encouraged me to go to a church. As I walked in on a Sunday morning the Lord spoke to me. He told me to approach the husband wife prayer team at the alter and asked them to pray for my me, my wife and our marriage. Jesus told me to confess what I had done and ask them to pray. The prayer was for the Lord to open the lines of communication with Erica and myself. With all the courage I could muster, I approached this strange couple in a strange church and tell them I abused my wife in every way possible, then tried to divorce her and also cheated on her. I was so terrified to speak my truth however with the Lord’s strength that is exactly what I did. The truth shall set you free it says in the Bible. As I began to speak all three of us were overwhelmed with emotions and tears as we earnestly prayed that GOD open the lines of communication. I felt so much shame. Well, what I wasn’t expecting was in just a few short days my attorney called me and said that Erica’s attorney had called her and said, “Erica wants to open the lines of communication.” I was shocked because he used the same words that we prayed with.
Without hesitation on the next Sunday I went back to the same church. Once more, as I walked in, this voice in me said, “Go to that prayer team and ask them to pray over reconciliation.” I followed the orders of Jesus and once again after a few short days my attorney called me and said that, “Erica wants to reconcile our marriage.” I was again in shock, because the wording was exactly the same. So at that point I was then 100% all in for Jesus. I’ve never witnessed prayers being answered in such a matter before in my life or in any bodies. After a few more weeks of attended the same church and watching GOD open doors that no man could open, I was being asked to come back home by Erica, which was my final prayer request by a prayer team. GOD is so great.
So here we are today, a few years later to tell my truth. Jesus is the ultimate healer, the way the truth and the life. Our home and hearts are filled with love, light, and truth because we follow him. The darkness and demons have no power in our lives. Because of Jesus, I’m not on any VA medications, no sleep apnea, no PTSD, no rage, no VA help, no 12-step programs, no hate, no abuse, no infidelity, and no separation from GOD our father.
Jesus is the only one who heals, saves, cleanses, purifies, teaches, and loves like he does. Jesus saved this Ultimate Athlete Warrior from himself, Satan and certain death. No program, person, or drug could ever bring me the peace, love, and joy that my Lord and Savior has brought me and our home. Jesus’s love saved this Ultimate Athlete Warrior. No program could ever bring me the truth, the peace and the love Jesus brings to my life every day. If he will do it for me, the worst of ALL sinners, then surely He can do it for you too. Put your faith and trust in the Lord of ALL Lords and King of ALL Kings.
“Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!” Psalm 34.
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